It cost me a little under 2K to realize that the dream I’ve been holding on to for years at this point might actually be more of a nightmare. As glamorized as it is these days, I don’t want to run a business.
Thank you, anxiety. All my savings had to go to buying this quite cool online course before I could realize that this fantasy of mine is really just that: a fantasy. I have in reality no desire to do the thing itself. I do want a creative outlet, but I don’t want to do market research. I want to express myself, I don’t want to get stuck answering people’s needs. Simply not my way of being of service.
By this point I’m getting to know you enough to see a recurring pattern. It usually happens on a Thursday afternoon. After almost a week in the beige semi-walls of my cubicle, I become antsy. It’s almost always around 3pm. I know something’s going wrong as I’m grabbing my purse and taking out my credit card.
It’s not that my job sucks or anything. I just get the public official blues from time to time. You see the same people day after day, similar projects one after the other. So you start daydreaming. A few looks at Instagram and Facebook will add to the FOMO. Life is out there, everyone is having the best time ever, what are you doing with your life? What have you accomplished so far?
Comparison, the thief of all joy, rises, to the point where it grows into unbearable restlessness. Some grab the Doritos bag or order shit on Amazon to fill the void: I complete application forms to university programs or buy 2K online programs.