That night, I couldn’t sleep. Blame it on the New Moon. The transition from one lunar cycle to another just happened to be perfectly synchronized with what was going on in my life.
The day before, I had spent the whole yin part of my yoga practice crying. For the first time in the last couple of weeks, I was letting go, releasing all the accumulated tension from the highly emotional events I’ve been through.
Suddenly, a huge wave of compassion came my way. Only in that moment was I finally able to realize how much things were moving, how fast I was growing, and how shaken my ego was.
There is nothing wrong with my ego (by ego, I mean that part of me which keeps on trying to define who I am for this life span). It is only trying to serve its purpose, which is to keep me safe and alive. My ego, probably just like yours, is scared most of the time. What if we move forward? What if we leave the comfort of our nest? What if you suffer some more?
My ego, which is probably BFF with the left part of my brain, likes coherence. He seeks clarity. He likes things to be square. He wants the pieces of the puzzle to fit together, the thread to be common, the path to be straight. He wants to know what is going to happen, when it’s going to happen, so that he can control how I am going to feel throughout the whole thing and make sure that I will not go through any sort of suffering.
I’m outgrowing my ego these days. The red alarm is on. My ego is yelling at me, “What are you doing man? STOP” and I haven’t been listening at all. Which is not nice. I’ve been getting closer and closer to my intuition, and listening its whisper in my ear. The pain of not listening to it right now is bigger than the pain of expanding. The way it’s showing me is so enlightened it’s scary. It’s also so not related to what I was expecting in my life that my ego cannot handle it right now. I know I have to sit still and meditate more, but my ego is keeping me from doing it, scared to death of that woo-woo hippie witch I’ll become if I keep on connecting with the Universe.