The thing itself

    September 23, 2018
    The thing itself

    It cost me a little under 2K to realize that the dream I’ve been holding on to for years at this point might actually be more of a nightmare. As glamorized as it is these days, I don’t want to run a business. 

    Thank you, anxiety. All my savings had to go to buying this quite cool online course before I could realize that this fantasy of mine is really just that: a fantasy. I have in reality no desire to do the thing itself. I do want a creative outlet, but I don’t want to do market research. I want to express myself, I don’t want to get stuck answering people’s needs. Simply not my way of being of service. 

    By this point I’m getting to know you enough to see a recurring pattern. It usually happens on a Thursday afternoon. After almost a week in the beige semi-walls of my cubicle, I become antsy. It’s almost always around 3pm. I know something’s going wrong as I’m grabbing my purse and taking out my credit card. 

    It’s not that my job sucks or anything. I just get the public official blues from time to time. You see the same people day after day, similar projects one after the other. So you start daydreaming. A few looks at Instagram and Facebook will add to the FOMO. Life is out there, everyone is having the best time ever, what are you doing with your life? What have you accomplished so far?

    Comparison, the thief of all joy, rises, to the point where it grows into unbearable restlessness. Some grab the Doritos bag or order shit on Amazon to fill the void: I complete application forms to university programs or buy 2K online programs. Continue Reading

  • Monkey business

    Monkey business

    I've always wanted to be a creative entrepreneur. Now that it's happening, I'm starting to wonder why we put ourselves into so much trouble and hustle. Is it because we can't do otherwise, can’t…

    September 16, 2018
  • Hotline


    I called. Out of frustration, despair, as the tears were showing up at the corner of my eyes, I took my phone and made that call. It wasn’t the first. Another log in my…

    September 9, 2018
  • Sea by the shore

    Everything is figureoutable

    What would happen if you could conquer the highest summits from the comfort of your home? Once you face your fears and get to work, the world suddenly becomes full of possibilities that are…

    September 3, 2018
  • Brownie and ice-cream in the sun

    My journey through recovery

    Going through eating disorder recovery is a long journey. But it's totally worth it, when you accept your fragility and choose love over fear, always.…

    August 24, 2018
  • Monster in the shadow

    Monster in the shadow

    So there I was, sitting one old cushion my grandma gave me, moving my arms around like a crazy lady. Kundalini yoga, they call it. Barney’s time, my dad renamed it, in honor of…

    August 18, 2018
  • Fuck toute.

    Fuck toute.

    I’m so sick and tired of myself, my own BS, the stories I tell myself to pretend that I’m fine. I’m not. I’m fucking screwed. And I don’t even want to say that because…

    August 13, 2018
  • Camping car

    Camping car

    My sister is now one of the select club. She’s the proud owner of a VR. Visiting her at a glorious camping site by the lake, I couldn’t help but judge all the people…

    August 4, 2018
  • Girl on a paddle board in the sunset

    I got you, babe

    There was a time when I didn’t think I would make it pass 23. There was a time when I believe my dad would not live beyond 55.  Because you know, trauma, cancer, and…

    July 28, 2018
  • Dead ends

    Dead ends

    For the last five years, vacation meant cycling. I couldn’t leave without my bike. My ride was my freedom. Today, after more than a week on vacation, I finally went for a tour. I…

    July 22, 2018