January 7, 2017

I love the holidays. This time off to get together with my family and friends is one of the most precious times of the year to me. I love this uplifted spirit coming from all those people not working, the songs, the slow motion as we are forced to slow down with the snow and the unpredictable weather conditions. I love having my parents home, spending time my goddaughter visiting, relaxing with my boyfriend in the morning.

This year though was somehow special. Just like Britney Spears, I feel like “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman”. Even if I am in my late twenties, even with that full-time grown up job and that house of mine (a loan makes you realize you are no kid anymore), I still feel like my parents’ little daughter, and I miss them when they are away. I still value their advice as much, still look for their approval. On the other side, being the lucky godmother of a beautiful child, I am slowly starting to feel like I can take care of the next generation of human beings, which places me in that somehow uncomfortable position in-between.

So here we are on January 2nd as I am trying to figure out my ten-year vision and my goals for 2017, 2020 and 2027. Yes, I am doing exactly what I learned at lululemon, proud to be part of the lulu cult, don’t judge me. I believe there is something very strong in projecting yourself in the future. I never did that before entering the lululemon workforce, and now I find it helps me to make choices on a day-to-day basis.

I write down my vision. I love envision myself, dreaming about what’s up next. The vision is kind of clear, I know how I want to be feeling, but not sure of the way to get there. So I try to write down my goals. That part is somehow easier, and I am able to finish it all, stick it in my vision book and go play outside.

Since then, I probably changed my mind a hundred times about what I should be doing. About my goals. About the how. The objectives I have given myself are too precise, I don’t have enough space. I think I should think more of intentions, but I also really like to be able to set accurate goals and reach them, so I am still debating.

Then it becomes clear to me. Rock on. For the upcoming year, I want to be a badass. I want to rock and roll. A rockstar does not plan. A rockstar wakes up in the morning (or in the afternoon possibly) and looks at what the world as to offer on that special day. And goes for it.

I want to try something new every day. Doesn’t have to be big. You don’t have to jump off a bridge or move to California to be able to get out of your routine. Yet it is so easy to lean in what we know so well, into something we know we can do perfectly well.

I am tired of perfection. Perfection is boring. I want to try, and fail, and try again. I want to go for it even when I am scared, to make life just a little bit more exciting.

For the last two years, and for most of my life, I have been planning ahead, always waiting for the time when it will become fun. After high school I’ll get to choose my classes. After university I’ll get to work and won’t be bored. After my master’s I’ll get some free time to start teaching yoga. There is this constant pattern of looking forward, dreaming about the future, to dismiss the discomfort of the moment.

I told you, I am getting old. People around me are getting older too, they get sick, they might die. It hurts. I cannot wait another year to finally enjoy life, to have fun, laugh out loud, at least once between the time the sun rises and the time it sets.

There is inevitably a kind of contradiction between having that ten-year vision and that goal of mine for 2017 to be a badass. I am totally fine with it. Rockstars are full of contradictions. I am convinced that following my gut is what will get me closer somehow eventually to the vision I have. Adding surprises (and fun!) to each and every of my days is what will make my journey meaningful in the end. The vision is there as a reminder of your work in life, being a badass is having the courage to dive in, not afraid of falling, not afraid of failing, to let a part of you die so that your song will still be sang long after you’re gone.

I know I can do it. As he was giving me a ride home after a family dinner, my dad told me that if there was one thing he wished he didn’t pass on to me, it was that propensity to always look for the optimal solution at all time. As from now on, I will work on taking my decisions based not only on the future, but also on the present, trying bit by bit to let go of the ton of possibilities that the future holds to come back to the present, listening to my heart more and more as it grows bigger and bigger as I get older. I know I can become the woman I aspire to be. After all, I have my dad’s approval.

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