Finally. I had a date I was anxious, a.ka excited, about. After my first stage of Mother Theresa (or maybe FOMO?) where I wanted to give every guy a chance because they seem sweet and kind, I realized that being nice wasn’t enough for me. Sure, it’s a must, but as a Scorpio rising Scorpio, I need it to be a little bit more spicy. I need that tickling feeling in my gut when I think about someone. To be fair, I wasn’t there yet before either, I wasn’t ready yet to move on and have a real date. But now was the time, and I was lucky enough to have found someone who might be smart, sweet and attractive. A catch, as we call it in the dating world.
I think about it for two days. What would I wear? How fun would it be? Would I really be attracted once face-to-face?
And here we were. Time to go. With butterflies in my stomach flying all up to my heart, I get there. No need to lie : the first moment is always really awkward. You never know. Usually, I know right away it’s a no for me, as in I don’t see myself kissing him (you’re right, maybe sometimes it grows on you, I will have to come back to your with more data on that). Hallelujah. It is yes. Finally, maybe we have a shot at love.
My excitment/anxiety goes up without me even realizing. What some people don’t know about me is that I am shy. Like really shy. In a big group, I’ll just shut up and let others take the lead of the conversation. That suits me. But what if we are just the two of us? I might talk. Like a lot. Silence makes me uncomfortable. Silence is the enemy. With every word, I make sure to kill any empty space where it could sneak in.
By now you get that on that special evening, I am not in a receiving mode. I am too anxious to let anything happen, let alone interact. Oh, and another thing. The more I get anxious, the more stupid I get. Brain freeze. So not only do I make sure to talk at all time, what I is coming out of my mouth is also mostly nonsense. Oh, and another thing. When I was younger, I loved sarcasm. It is such a great tool to create a distance between you and others, to place yourself on a pedestal, and judge the world from up there. So why not get into that as well?
So imagine the scene. Me, a dumb pretentious blonde saying insanities to that poor guy ALL NIGHT LONG. Me, doing a one-woman show, to that man who never bought tickets for that performance. Me, struggling really, really hard to protect my ego from any potential hurt, by creating no opening whatsoever for him to find the slightest breach into my shell.
Just so you know, all of that, I am not aware of as I am doing it. Of course, there is no way I can think clearly in the moment, neither feel anything. I am so scared I might be genuinely interested. So afraid of being vulnerable. Frightened of possibly getting rejected.
By the end of the date, even though it felt like I was high, I kind of know something was off. As I walk around a bit, thinking back at what why it never works when I am interested, I start listening to the Skimm’d from the couch. Sallike Krawcheck, former CEO of Merrill Lynch, Smith Barney and Citi Private, shares her story. Her drive is amazing, her guts insane. That woman knows how to bounce back. She gets fired, she gives herself A DAY, then get right back on. We are not talking fired from a little gig here, we are talking about being fired as a CEO of one of the biggest bank in America as the CEO. And there she goes. Pure fire. That’s the first lesson.
The second lesson is a pure blessing. She could walk away with her tail between her legs and never look back. But she dares to ask for feedback from the Board of Administrators. She wants to know what went wrong, so she can improve.
I am flabbergasted. Very inspired. Even though it’s late at night, I dare to do the same. I put aside my ego and write back to the guy and ask him what went wrong.
It seems easy said like that, but try it. It takes a lot of courage to face your truth, but it’s so worth it.
Remember, at this point, I have no insight on what I did wrong. So he tells me. He tells me that halfway through our date, he just wasn’t there anymore. Death-by-boredom I guess. Might have been a bit disgusted too with all those rude jokes I made (even I am ashamed about the stuff that came out).
This was not my best self, at least to say. My heart is crushed. Not because of the guy, but because in that moment, I realize how many times I’ve done this mistake. I take all the space. I talk loud. My ego wants to say it all. All that she’s learned, how much she knows, so that you can be impressed and fall in love.
But there is no way. To fall in love, you have to let yourself fall. You have to drop the ego and listen. That applies not only in love, but in all other aspects of your life.
I needed that big wake-up call. Looking back, I realize at all the times the Universe tried to send me this message, through my ex, through my co-workers, even through my boss, but I wasn’t listening. She had to go all the way to make me get it, and I am so glad she insisted.
After years of wondering what is my mission, what should I pursue, how can I be of help, now I know what to focus on. I’m done learning all those grids I like to apply to my reality, may it be the Myers-Briggs, astrology or whatever comes up. I don’t want to enter a conversation looking for opportunities to show off what I know, add a filter to whatever the person is telling me to analyze what she says.
That is not my purpose. There is already enough noise. My work is to shed the filters and uncover the truth. Listen, listen, and listen even more, hush the ego and speak only from the soul. Only speak the raw, uncovered Truth.
More than ten years later, I think I’m starting to get a grasp on the first agreement of don Miguel Ruiz : be impeccable with your word. That is and will be my devoted practice for now on. That is my soul work.
Sorry again, poor guy. Lucky you, upcoming love. I promise, that bimbo is not invited on our next date. She might be into threesomes, I am not. It’s only you and me baby.