The minute my ex-boyfriend left I was on Tinder. Like, literally.
No time to waste? No, of course not. For sure, I wasn’t ready. Still. I just could not not resist the temptation to find love again as soon as possible, against all odds. I am too in love with love to lose hope.
So there I was, as bumbly as ever, meeting with quite interesting guys. Pretending nothing was going on down there. Living from the heart up to the head, all in the lightness of the air.
I was doing exactly what everybody else says not to. Give yourself some time. It’s too early. Rest.
And you know what? They were wrong. It was exactly what I needed to do.
Yes, I knew I wasn’t going to find my life partner doing so. And no, I was not there to find someone to sleep with. But see, I’m a huge fan of ahimsa, of non-suffering. If there is a way to ease things a bit, choose comfort of pain. And in that moment, looking at beautiful people full of hope of finding a partner was very, very comforting.
Let me be clear: I wasn’t denying the sadness, the sorrow, the anger. I believe in paradoxes. Sadness and joy can go hand in hand as you are healing from a heartbreak. At that time, I needed to believe in love, and since I couldn’t find that spark inside, I had to reach out and get a little help. Thank you, Bumble.
As I was moving through the grieving process, I needed support. Friends and family are great, but so are strangers that feel familiar, that eventually become friends. I tested my faith in love, in a powerful source of light beyond myself, and I have been nothing but happily surprised.
I wasn’t spending my days on my phone. Sometimes, I took breaks. Following the ebb and flow, I went in this virtual world on and off, discovering new people that guided me through my journey. No matter how I felt, I knew I could rely on these little softwares to bring me the people I needed in my life at the right time. Whenever I felt alone, I knew that within a hand’s reach I could talk to someone at pretty much any time of day or night. I was very soothing, needless to say.
Up until last weekend. Conversations became less interesting, or maybe it was me who was less interested? Either way, I knew it was time to move on, at least for a little while. I shut down all my accounts, and deleted all dating apps from my phone. I was finally ready to become a free, independent woman on my own.
It feels great. Liberated from all that swiping, I now have time to think. Space has been created. Without all those distractions, my mind is sharper, my emotions have room within my body to be felt. Without that apparent abundance of men, I can now see clearly how lucky I am to have the people I deeply love in my life.
Funny enough, I also know that finding true love is now possible again. Off the apps, out into the real world: I have cleared the way. Instead of pictures being pushed on me through a smart device, I can now create my own picture of the man I want to come in my life. More so, I have created the space to welcome it as well.
It feels good because I’m not forcing it : I’m allowing myself to be led. Just like I listened to my deep need for connection right after the breakup, I listened to my reborn faith in my self, that beautiful connection I have with infinite love, telling that it was time to let go.
That being said, there will probably be a phase three to my dating adventures. When/if I feel the call to, I will happily jump back on my phone and start swiping again, except this time I will know exactly what I am looking for. More importantly, I will know myself and what I stand for.
Until then, no need to rush. Love is already here, always has been. It is now simply blossoming like cherry flowers, welcoming spring into my heart.