I was mad. Oh, so mad. I was running around, trying my best to make things happen for one of my projects, and it didn’t seem to work. I was done. I was ready to quit my job. It was time to move on. Anger was showing me the way.
I was so deep into the chaos of my rage I got all over the place in my attempt to find an emergency escape fast. It wasn’t structured at all. I was confused, scattered, lost. I was looking desperately for an exit, without a real plan, without knowing in fact exactly what I needed to do. I just knew I wanted to do more good than I was doing now, that I wanted to help as much as possible, contribute to make this place a better world. This desire was strong, but frustration was keeping me from seeing how I could accomplish that mission.
What is left to do when you get so lost? These days, I turn to my tarot deck for answers. Everytime I’m amazed by the power of the cards. They tell me exactly what I need to hear. I sense that the cards are right, even if sometimes I can only understand really what they meant once things unfold.
I tried a new spread, the Celtic Cross, asking how I could move forward in my career. The answer was there, as inspiring as usual. I often get the same beautiful cards, with the Sun, the Star, the Judgement, and butterflies ready to spread their wings. I had nothing to worry about, things would be great again eventually.
The only card bugging me in that spread was the number 7, which in the Wild Unknown community is referred to as “you”. I got a card with a greedy rat trying to protect his four cups. I couldn’t hide from the truth: the card was clearly showing the negative energy I had kept around me for the last few days. The discontentment and dissatisfaction were fully revealed. What the card was telling me was that even though from someone else’s perspective, things look pretty good for me, I was still unhappy. It was asking me to reflect on what I really wanted, and to name it.
In answer to that card, the Queen of Wands showed up as the final outcome. That card is about a vibrant and happy woman, self-confident and strong. It’s one of the most fertile cards of the deck, and maybe it is linked to the fact that it’s also about practicing gratitude.
It took me a couple of days to understand that anything I would initiate with that negative and angry energy wouldn’t lead to a positive outcome. That frustration which I wanted to move away from was sticking with me, because I was the one feeding the fire. I had to reverse things. If I wanted something great to come along, I had to bring myself that loving and positive energy. I had to cultivate gratitude instead of anger.
I still didn’t knew what would be coming next, but I was sure of one thing : I needed to let go for now, being confident that I would some day find my way, my purpose. I decided to see how lucky I was with all I’ve already got, the beautiful life that is mine. How lucky I am to be surrounded by people I love, people that are healthy. How lucky I am to be able to practice yoga and meditate daily. How lucky I am to not have to worry about money, to be able to work in a safe environment with co-workers that have become friends.
Believe me or not, it took not more than two days before all the clouds that were making my days grey started moving to reveal the sun. It became clear to me that my path was indeed to help people, to heal people, as I’ve always known.
When I was fourteen, I wanted to become a psychanalyst, to heal the mind. When I was sixteen, I wanted to be a surgeon, to heal the body. However, whenever I come close to learning things about the physical body, I feel something is missing. The magic isn’t there. The energies I feel so strongly are missing.
Alternating between those two options, and still sometimes thinking about going all in to complete the studies I need to become one or the other, I forgot about the third option in the Holy Trinity: the heart. My purpose was to heal the heart.
It feels so pretentious to believe I can repair someone’s heart, because really it has to heal by itself. Time and love will do the trick. But I still believe I can do something to help along the way, providing warmth, light and space, sharing the light I feel in my own heart so that someone else’s heart find its own.
That is my work, right there: to help you, if you want to, make your inner light shine brighter. Imagine if all of us would get to heal our heart, so that our true nature can be reveal, so that our authentic self can glow. The sun within us would guide our actions through the day, and each of us would be a sparkling star guiding our dreams through the night.
I want to be there for you along the way, helping you discover that potential to shine bright like a diamond. As I said, it seems very pretentious for me to think I can accomplish that mission, as I am so far away from being that perfect little sunshine myself. I am and will probably always be a very imperfect human being, with many many flaws. Yet I know that those flaws are also what can make me stronger once overcome, that despite them, in the most humble, modest way, I can co-create some wonderful things with you.
As I work on getting prepared to become that loving guidance, I will keep on remembering that no matter what, my foundation will always be to cultivate the light, and that even if I don’t get to become the inspirational mentor I want to be, if I succeed on keeping that light strong, it will already be an amazing achievement.