Coming back to work was no easy feat. After a couple of weeks having the time of my life, being fully aligned and living without any restriction, do I have to say that 6:30 wake up call was not welcome? Grumpy, I was up before dawn, in a FML mode. It was bad.
From that moment on, things kept on sucking. I had to rush through breakfast, had no time to binge on PB as I love to do after my bowl of cereal and dressed like a 5-year old kid to face the cold winter to get to work on time. I am no extrovert, and I was dreading the back-from-the-holidays-happy-new-year small talk. I was definitely not in the mood to work, but I found it even worse to sit in an office with no big exciting projects to make the clock tick a bit more faster. The job I usually appreciate for its smooth pace, which gives me enough time to connect and reflect, was suddenly only f*cking boring. By four I was done, but I was exhausted when I got to yoga, which only pissed me off even more. I then rushed throughout the evening, already dreading having to wake up way too early the next morning.
It went on for three days. The same thoughts, over and over again. A self-predictive prophecy that was messing up with my life. Rationally, I knew I had to change my inner talk to something positive, but it seemed like an impossible task. The more I tried, the less I felt I could access my heart and feel any form of gratitude.
Having suffered from multiple episodes of depression, I got scared. What if the thoughts never went away? This thought, added to all the other ones, was the straw that broke the camel’s back. There was no way I could accept that. I gathered all my magical powers and started manifesting hard. Like really really hard.
The thing is that magic doesn’t work that way. You plant the seed, you do the work (which is mostly to get aligned, enjoy the present moment and follow the signs the Universe sends your way) and then eventually she brings you what you asked for. You can’t rush her, and I needed a quick fix. This wasn’t gonna work.
I was in pain. I was lost. I was desperate. By the end of the third day, I was done. There, lying on my yoga mat, crying, I did something I have never done before when I was getting stuck in depression, something totally counterintuitive: I surrendered. I let the tears run down my cheeks, and all this inner talk rest with me, in this space I hold for both of us. I put an end to the battle inside between my inner jerk and my inner warrior. They both played down their arms. In that moment, I allowed myself to be sad, angry, discouraged. And I ask for help. Without imposing, demanding, desiring. Simply asking for help.
Nothing happened at first. I was still in the dark. Then I got it. It was so clear. I had to get back to joy. I needed to find some form of pleasure, anything. No more worries about what I am meant to do nor about the work of my life. First, and foremost, I had to feel joy for the sake of it. If work felt like too much this week, then let go of it. If I had to take a day off to do so, then so be it. My mental health was definitely worth it.
Suddenly, the clouds spreaded, and the sun started to shine through. Through some kind of miracle, I felt that comforting, sweet warmth in my chest. There it was. Love. There was hope. There was a part of me, even when having to deal with the external conditions I was hating at the time, that was still able to feel joy.
That was the red thread I was not about to let go of. That night, I left the studio relaxed, and met with some friends for a photo shoot. I had a blast, enjoyed the whole thing without even looking at my watch, knowing that I was allowed to take care of myself the next day if I needed to.
I did not. In my bed that night, I prayed again for my scarcity mindset to leave me and get back to my abundance one. I meditated and dreamed of being recharged, pretty much like my iPhone. I slept like a baby, and woke up before the alarm clock went on. I was once again the happy, uplifted princess-fairy-witch my co-workers, friends and family enjoy.
All of this to say that from Wednesday to Thursday, almost nothing had changed. The only thing that did was the soundtrack to my life. For the first time, I was able to really see how much we co-create our reality in a very short period of time. The contrast was so vivid. In a few hours, I had been able to switch from this deeply depraved state to an empowering, fulfilling feeling.
Do what brings you joy, whatever that is. Taste your way through life, until you get to your sweet spot. As soon as it feels like work, back off. As soon as you don’t feel in alignment, ding ding ding! That’s your signal. Pause and let whatever is happening be. Get back to yourself, take as much time as you need to, so that you can find joy again. That is your foundation. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You do not have to struggle or hustle your way through. There is a better path, trust that your journey through and towards joy is also your path to your higher self, where you will be of be service for all of us. Even when your external conditions don’t fit exactly your dream vision, trust that there is a way to find joy.
For those who want to know, of course I still want the amazing life I manifested hard in this very wintery January. Me, in a bikini all day in some sunny and warm location getting paid to practice yoga is still what I am asking for the Universe for. However, once I manifested clearly my intention, I can now let go of it and enjoy my day-to-day. I do not cling on it. I’ve planted the seed, and my work now is to get into alignment and let my actions be inspired by joy.
The irony here is that those high vibrations of joy are exactly what will bring to me the life I manifested. However, being in such a high vibrational state is as if I was already living the dream, feeling deeply grateful for all that I already got, which means I am even more able to let go of my desired intention. Following along?
That, my friends, is real magic. Abracadabra.