Life

Fight club

April 28, 2018
Fight club

A powerful yoga practice that brings you back into your body. Rocking that strategy at work, left of with a deep sense of satisfaction. Pressing up into handstand and feeling on top of the world.

You know that feeling. It’s as if the Universe is rooting for you. You are stepping into your own power, and as like attracts like, you become a magnet for new projects, friendships, love.

So far so good. You meet new people. The seed for a potential relationship is planted.

Here comes the honey moon phase. Want fireworks? I’ll give you fireworks. I am grandstanding at the beginning of a relationship, whether professional or personal.

However, like all firey things, I’m afraid it’s nothing but a flash in the pan.

After the first butterflies and the excitment of new beginnings, time for a reality check. I thought I was so cool and confident, but as the relationship grows, my confidence shrinks. I do think I can be funny, entertaining, cute, but beyond that?

The more you get to know me, the more I am afraid you’ll find out that I am not that amazing. I can’t hide so much anymore, and that scares the sh*t out of me. 

Having to develop intimacy (into me I see) is frightening. Into you I see me, and what I see kind of sucks. What I get to observe through your eyes is someone definitely not that awesome, full of doubts and insecurities, a girl on the quest to find out her personality.

To be honest, I don’t know what that I I associate with on a daily basis really is, and the more I get with you, the less defined the contour that creates the illusion of separation is. What front should I put on? I am at complete loss. Just be yourself they say. Well, screw them. I don’t know what that even means, I can be so many things, but is that really what you want me to be? Do I keep pretending to be unattached, keeping my cool, hiding behind sarcasm or do I embrace that softer version of myself? If I am not resisting anymore, fists up ready to jab, jab, punch, then are we only gonna melt into something so undefined and watery to the point of not being interesting anymore? If I am all loving-kindness, as everybody else seems to be practicing these days, then why me? Why would anyone want to be friends, become business besties, or fall in love with me?

When I make bad jokes, when I am planning big projects, doing the work, then the boundary is clear : the mind sets the tone, the mask is on. When I use my body as an armor, focusing your attention on this human suit, getting into the physical part of a relationship fast, then I don’t have to expose this vulnerable part of myself anymore. You get what you want, no need to dig deeper to find out more about myself.

Mind and body as protections serve me well. No need to show my heart, and face the fear of being rejected for my true self. Without the mask it’s dangerous. If you get a grasp on my heart and you don’t love me, then it hurts.

It’s a double-edged sword. It does work to keep me safe, but it also prevents me from being seen and loved for the only thing that really matters to me, being loved because I am love.

It leaves me in a place where I have to fight for love, to deserve every itsy-bitsy chunk of it, and chew it slowly, afraid of not getting more, always on my tippy toes to make sure I stay in the character that got some of those tasty sweet love bites.

But that’s like eating low-fat yogurt when all you want is Ben & Jerry’s. Even if you eat the whole container, that craving won’t go away. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality.

So how do we get that quality? How do we get the love we deserve?

By showing up.

The elephant in the room. What is there to show up? What does make us special? What is our essence? It’s certainly not our bodies, even if we do have to perfect the vehicle to carry our soul. It also cannot be our mind, as the thoughts put into our head are often not even ours, only a collection of stories and beliefs transmitted to us by society, things we catch through some sort of collective unconscious. Neither can it be our emotions, as they shall pass through us without sticking around if we let them be.

Then what’s left?

What’s left is our heart, our soul, the only constant in our ever changing world.

Your soul was not born, does not die.

“svarasavāhī viduṣo ‘pi tathā ‘rūḍho ‘bhiniveśah” – Yoga Sutra 2.9

Your soul is your essence, what has been you since the beginning, throughout many past lifes and many more to come for most of us. Despite being made of love, all coming from some Source, each and every one of us gives a special twist to that flavourless  light.

So let your soul shine bright like a diamond, so that your true tribe gets to recognize you despite the human form you took, beyond the mask your mind is putting on. In the pure spirit of namaste, that moment when the divine in you acknowledges the divine within me. Stop fighting. You don’t have to be be afraid to let your heart be seen, as there is no way for her to ever be rejected from the ones who love, the ones who are love, the ones who never doubted that you were part of the club.

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