This fear inside. This sense of urgency. As if there was not enough time. I want to live so hard, I want it to be so intense. Every breath feels so delicious. I want it to be forever.
So I run, run, run, mostly in my head. Thinking more, thinking deeper, thinking ahead. This insatiable thirst for more depth, more knowledge. As if I wanted to embrace the whole universe, finally holding all the wisdom within my two arms.
And I rush. One more podcast, one more book, one more course. All available time is devoted to my study, or so I think. With all that information available, there is no end. The library is full, and I will never get to read all there is.
I take notes. I make lists. Books to read, tutorials to do, things to try. My life is so full, but my heart is dry. There is too much noise, I can’t focus anymore. I want it all, and I can’t get any.
One morning walking to work, listening to astrologers talking about Jung, wondering how I could dive deeper and deeper into his work, the Universe says : I will provide, so you can focus. To focus though, I need to create space. I need to pause the podcast.
It’s hard. Because where there is no noise, I can feel. I feel that I am sad. I feel that I miss my family. I feel that I need to be alone, but that I don’t want to.
There is nothing more out there I need to get. All there is to know is already there. Sure, books and teachers can give me more tools, but I need to do the work. I need to sit still and listen. I need to get quiet and start breathing. And crying. And loving. And crying.
The books will always be there. Just like stars, they will show up when I need them. If I miss the sign, they will pop up over and over, until I answer their call. But first, space.
Same goes for the phone, the podcasts, the tasks. The ones I need, I will be driven towards. The others can wait. All I need is the space to receive.
As soon as I drop into silence, the clouds thin out, the stars appear. The night is dark, yet comforting. In this space without words, I feel Oneness. No need to rush anymore to think and learn about the Universe : I am the Universe. When they say you’ve got all the answers inside, what they really mean is that there is no one answer. There is no question. You are the paradox that holds both at the same time. You become the answer.
In that space when mind relaxes and physical boundaries dissolve, heart opens. There is nothing to let go of, because letting go would mean having to separate from that very thing you need to let go of, and separation is an illusion. You are now all about integration. Taking it all in.
I want a life away from any kind of fear of missing out. I want a life so fully integrated that there is no space for something to reach out for, something outside, because all there is is already there. My life as the medium and the message, the prayer and the celebration.
It’s already my life, and yours as well.