Life

Here comes the sun

April 5, 2018
Enjoy the sun

Flabbergasted. I had one of those Oprah’s Aha Moments. My work is to enjoy the sun.

Damn. That took a while to get. Like, six years. Used to think I was a fast learner…

I had an amazing childhood. I hear about trauma and all the damage that has been done to so many people these days during their first years in this life and my heart gets broken. I was all about enjoying life as much as possible. I could have gone to school a year earlier, but my 4-year-old self told my mom I would never get that year back, and I wanted to keep on playing for another 12 months.

From kindergarden up to university, I never had any doubt about the path to follow. Even though I was bored most of the time, even though I dreaded the schedule, the sitting down while waiting for others to catch up with me, the lack of thoughtful teachers and mentors, dropping out wasn’t an option. It was so ingrained in me that I needed a bachelor’s degree: my university diploma was the golden key to access the job market.

I have to admit too : part of me also really enjoys the structure, the safety, the external reassurance that you are doing great. I was performing well, and I only had to focus on the next exam, the next step in front of me, not thinking too far ahead.

So I made my way, following as much as possible what I believe was joy, given the circumstances. A first semester in Natural Sciences in CEGEP showed me that I was probably able to push and hustle to get into Med School, but I always had trouble having faith that an unpleasant path could lead to a much better final destination, especially since I was not convinced about finding my true self in that final destination. Therefore I switched to Business and Commerce, where I felt a bit more at home. Then again, when it was time to choose an undergrad program, I just went with what seemed fun, without thinking twice about what the job would actually end up looking like.

At the time, it was a great strategy. Looking back, maybe I chould’ve given it more thoughts, since I have asking myself the same f ing question for years now (aka what’s my purpose) and still can’t answer it.

Or maybe not. Maybe the problem is that I am asking the question over and over again. Too much talking, not enough listening. Thinking and thinking and thinking even more, as if my brain could solve this dreading issue only using its own power. 

Eventually the mind got tired. That is usually what a Master’s degree and too many jobs at a time does to oneself. I surrendered, for a while. Stopped trying to find the perfect position/role/business idea. Stopped hustling and dividing my energy between one and another project. Started paying more attention. I also kind of got a permission slip that maybe, maybe, as a Projector (thanks to Jenna Zoe and Human Design), I wasn’t even here to “work”.

Unprogramming that is some heavy lifting for me. Me, not working? Like, what? I am the girl with a thousand and one projects going on at all times. I am the spark. I am the strategist, the manager, the writer. How can I do more? How can I be more useful? Is this really how I can use my full potential? How can I be of service? Those are the questions circling back in my head all the time.

I do, therefore I am worth something. It’s not about the money or the fame, it’s about the impact. If I can’t be of any help, what’s my purpose then?

After having gone down that route of hustling and busy beeing/being, I was still left unfulfilled. Yes, I could get more contracts, go freelance, but there was something not quite right yet with it.

So maybe, maybe, the work was something else. My birth chart is clear. I am all about self-discovery, self-study.

That was my new job. Dive deep into the gloomy, read, meditate, listen, listen, listen. Unblock, delayer, uncover every little piece of dust hiding in the shadow, and shine light on it.

Type A all the way, even down the spiritual path. As a double Scorpio, I love that stuff, but all that time spent alone in the dark was too much for me to handle. That is not my essence, and neither it is yours I am sure. Although I like to explore the deep tranches of my heart, I have to remember I was born in a beautiful Indian summer, and I am mostly of light.

Spring has sprung, and this time I am done working for real. Not more outer or inner work. Work, as in pushing, forcing and hustling, is not an option anymore. Inspired, joy-driven action, or non-action, is the way to go.

Funny enough, what I am realizing using Lacy Phillips’s work as inspiration is that everything I ever manifested in my life came to me when I was totally relaxed, not controlling or obsessing about it. Combining it with Jenna Zoe’s work with Human Design, it makes total sense that as a Projector I have to wait for the invitation.

By everything, I really mean everything. From boyfriends to jobs to homes, from barbecues to toasters to handbags, everything I got I got when I let go. Making huge lists doesn’t help. I don’t get to choose what show up that much. It simply pops into my head, I know it is what I am about to get, then the Universe brings it to my doorstep, Amazon Prime style.

Of course, it’s a delicate balance. What I consider as being easy might seem like a lot of work to you. I did not wait on my couch watching Netflix waiting for things to fall from the sky, but to get all this, I did much less than I thought I would have to do. It just feels letting myself go down the river stream, instead of forcing my way up.

I sent literally hundreds of resumes out between January and March 2012 to find a full-time job. That was a lot of work, plus the stress and anxiety along seing the date approaching when I would have to fly with my own wings. I never even got called for an interview. All those hours spent writing cover letters were useless. However, when the time was right, I received an email to submit my application for a Communications Advisor position for the government. I had taken the exam to enter the Public Administration by accident, my friend telling me about it the day before.  I had done the work already, finishing my bachelor degree, but my job came as an invitation by the hiring manager. Since then, I never got any of my jobs by sending out a resume without being invited too previously, often through random meetings or following pings of inspiration. Neither have I found any of my partners by asking a guy on date. Sure, I showed up to parties, went out or created a profile on an app, but every single time it was because I felt inspired to, because it brought me joy, and the guy came my way without me having to think twice about it.

Therefore the best strategy for me is clearly to have the best time of my life right here right now. I am not denying my shadow, I just trust that whatever needs to come up will without me having to overthink or plan any of it. The only thing I can do is to listen to myself, take care of my needs, give me some self-love and bring as much pleasure as possible into my day. Paradoxically, the more I am in the moment, the more I trust, the less I “work”, the more I manifest the life I want.

My new job description? Sit back, grab a good book, and enjoy the sun.

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