A hole in my heart

March 26, 2016
A Hole In My Heart

A hole in my heart. My boyfriend left, and there is a hole in my heart, an emptiness in our home. And it’s scary. It’s scary to see how much I miss him, how much I need him to balance me out, to calm me at night, to act as my dream catcher, keeping bad dreams away from me. It’s scary to see how much I got attached, how him being away makes me feel incomplete. There is a hole in my wholeness. My boyfriend is the Yang to my Yin, and without him I feel lost.

I know, it’d be great if I was all good without him, all balanced and everything. A proud and strong woman, who can face adversity, able to get things done efficiently, happy to be by herself. But we are only humans, I am only human, and I am tired of aiming for perfection.

Instead, I’d rather be wise. Knowing my qualities but also my flaws, I choose to get carefully surrounded by people who compensate for my Vata’s tendencies. I choose not to be independent, but interdependent. I choose to connect, so that we can complete each other. I choose to believe that together, we are stronger than I would ever be alone.

The downside of leaving your heart exposed

But getting attached hurts, for sure. When I was young, the end of vacation time was a painful experience. After spending an intensive three weeks with my family, I just couldn’t accept having to be separated from them again all day, only seeing them at night. As I’ve said, we are a Care Bears family, and all that time spent together only made us bond even more.

I felt the same way when I was spending a few days with my grandparents. I felt so at ease with them, I had so much fun, that I even wrote once a letter to my parents to announce them that I wouldn’t come back home: I had decided to move at my grandparents’ place. You can imagine how hard it was for me to leave them.

Nowadays, I wish I could say that I’ve grown-up, that I am now not affected as much by distance and separation. But it’s not the case. Every time I have to move away from someone I love, it feels as if someone was tearing off my heart. I feel it physically, in my chest. A new hole is created, or maybe simply re-opened, when I thought that this sore that separation created the last time was finally healed.


Building walls around your heart

With the intention of minimizing injuries, I once tried to build walls around my heart. To protect it from any intruder that could create a potential hole. In order to do so, I also had to accept that nothing would come out of this fortress anymore. I thought it was a good compromise, given how much I had suffer from all this love sharing in the past. I thought I could do it all by myself, that I could be self-sufficient.

I was wrong. Oh so wrong. There were no new holes in my heart, but instead a hole in my whole being. It felt empty not in my home because of a loved one being away, but within my own home, my body, my soul. Building walls not only prevented me from connecting with others, but also with myself. There was no union possible with anyone, anything, anywhere. I felt as if I was part of anything else bigger than me, and it was frightening.


Holy holes

Slowly, the walls went down, and my spirit went up. I did not start by opening it to someone in particular, I was still too hesitant for that. Instead, I reached for another kind of connection, the Graal of union, the relationship above all relationships. I reconnected with what surrounded me, with life in every shape and form. With the Universe, and as we call it in the Yoga Sutras, the Universal Soul. Opening my heart first to that profound and powerful kind of love gave me the confidence I needed to be able to re-open my heart to potentially more dangerous relationships with other human beings.

When things get tough, when I start missing that feeling of union with myself, or simply missing the presence of another, I remind myself that no matter what, I can always reach out to that infinite love. That no matter what, I am not alone. And that helps me to keep going, to keep on having the courage every day to open my heart, and let it be pierced by all the holes created once we accept to love and be loved. Because for sure, I’d rather have a heart holed, full of scars, patched up, a heart that has lived, than a beautiful, perfect, smooth, but untouchable heart.

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