I had underestimated the beast. After having reached my minimum healthy BMI, I thought I was good to go. I didn’t expect my body to go above and beyond, which is exactly what she did by putting on a few more pounds just to be safe. A buffer, let’s say.
It was part of the plan. I simply had forgotten that it was my objective back at the beginning of the journey. It’s one thing to put numbers on paper and fix goals, it’s another to have to live in the body which holds that great promise.
I had been walking around in that new shape for a couple of months, feeling slightly uncomfortable as the elastic string on my lulu leggings dove deep into my newly soft waist, as my thighs rubbed against each other at every step. I had stopped practicing my sun salutations with my feet together to avoid having to face the disappearance of my thigh gap, but walking with my feet wide open might have been pushing it a bit too much.
I’m having to face the inevitable: seems I’m finally becoming a woman. That moment I’ve been avoiding since I was 15. And it’s weird.
It’s not like I want to go back to a skinnier version of myself, which I can’t even plan for since I have no idea how to lose weight on command (an eating disorder is a funny thing, I swear). It’s more that I have no idea how to move through the world as a real, normal person.
It took years after I got sick for my mental self-image to adjust to what other people were seeing. Now that I’m finally getting back to who I was meant to be all along, I’m losing all my marks.
It might seem trivial, but I’m becoming aware of how much my physical body impacts how I’m showing up in the world.
I can’t pretend anymore to be that cute and innocent young girl. My body tells it all: I’m a strong, powerful lady.
And I need to dress like one. Not only do I have to get used to walking around with some hips and a new booty, I also need to find myself a new uniform. Leggings aren’t making the cut anymore, I need to pimp my wardrobe with some legit clothes.
Same goes for relationships. How does a woman acts with her sister, her parents, her friends, her business partners? What tone of voice does she use to make her point when she can’t rely anymore on a sweet smile? What’s her sound current?
It’s a whole transition, a complete transformation, occurring right in front of my eyes: who will I be? Because I don’t get to decide that much, I’m following the guide here. I’m relying on the voice inside that can now speak clearly since I’ve liberated my stomach from the bikini conspiracy making us believe our tummy has to be flat. She gets more space now that my diaphragm can move freely to let the breath be full and happy.
If only it was always that easy: listen to the little voice and everything will be jolly. It’s not. This metamorphosis also had me freaked out. I got lost along the way. I’m still learning to navigate these new waters. When in doubt, I was body checking multiple times a day, trying to reassure myself that everything was firm and stayed well in place. Doesn’t help at all, I’m realizing now. Which is why I’ll stop and get back to how it feels on the inside.
Although how it feels on the inside is freaking me out too. It might seem easy on the outside, a couple more pounds on or off doesn’t make a big difference, but I’m doing something I never thought possible. I’m incarnating my soul into a body for real this time.
The stakes are high. I’m not doing it for me. From what I’ve been seeing in my meditations, hundreds of souls are watching to see if I will succeed. If I will get over the mind and spirit form and get down and dirty, dealing with matter for real this time. It’s beyond my rational understanding. I have no idea what it even means, I just know I have to keep pushing the limits and get over my apprehensions to see what’s on the other side of fear.
I told you it was weird. I have trouble these days keeping up with the daily grind, as I feel I’m opening my eyes for the first moment in a really long time.
I’m confident though it will eventually adjust. With practice, I will get used to this incarnation, this human form. The ball is rolling, I’m moving in the right direction. I bought new jeans, and they’re awesome.