There was a time when I didn’t think I would make it pass 23. There was a time when I believe my dad would not live beyond 55. Because you know, trauma, cancer, and all of their friends. But here we are. Me on the verge of my 30s, celebrating my Dad 57th anniversary, already talking about the big 60 coming up. My sister has just arrived with her boyfriend, our close family is finally reunited. As the people I love the most gather up around the birthday cake my mom baked and I iced with patience and care, I can sense it building up, first in a quiet and delicate manner, taking seed in my root chakra then coming all the way up towards my heart and chest. The wave of anguish.
I feel so alone. From what I’ve been hearing these days, a lot of people struggle with self-worth. I am not enough, and variations on the same theme, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not beautiful enough, haunts many of us.
My root suffering is a bit different. It’s not so much that I don’t feel like I deserve to belong, it’s more that I feel I never do. It’s one thing to feel it in the middle of the night when you’re all by yourself in your tiny apartment, but what is wrong when you are with the ones who matter, who love you unconditionally. How come no matter what I can’t kick this feeling of loneliness?
This thought, those words, usually start a spiral of dispair. I feel powerless. There is nothing I can do about it. If I’m alone, then it means I need someone to be with me so that I am not anymore, right? Someone has to come along and stop the bleeding. That someone preferably would be identifying as a male, and quite handsome. Bonus points for gingers.
Now I know that special one will never come to save me on a white horse. He will not run towards me and tell me I am the one he was looking for all along, that I don’t have to worry anymore. He’s not one of the Backstreet Boys singing I’ll Never Break Your Heart.
Because I’m the one and only. I’m the soulmate in the mirror (thanks Lindsay Mack for the hint), and will forever be.
I’m stepping into the most relationship of it all: the relationship with myself. As Lindsay says, some people have so much trouble handling that relationship they decide to put an end to it. This way of displaying this uncomfortable truth made me shift perspective, and understand on a deeper level all the cheesy talk around self-love, being your own best friend, your beloved.
I finally found a proper answer to my despairing thought. Whenever it pops into my head, whenever this feeling comes up, I now sing to myself I got you, babe. You are not alone because I’m right here, and I will take care of you. You do not have to worry, I will never let you down. I got your back, boo.
At last all the love songs make sense. Because I am now singing them to myself. For the first time, I am not putting my well-being, my self-worth, in the hands for someone else, someone who might come but also might go, someone I don’t even know yet.
I am taking back the reins. I’m choosing to foster and invest a relationship where I feel understood, supported, uplifted and loved. I’m putting myself first, because I’m the one who will be either happily partnered or stuck with myself forever.
That is not selfish, and it has nothing to do with ego. I’m not falling in love with myself because I believe I look amazing (even though I totally do) or that I’m a great catch (I swear I am). I’m choosing love because I deserve love, as much as you do, as much as we all do.
We are our own mother and our own child, the only one who can make us feel whole again, who can bring clarity of mind and peace of heart to ourselves. It is the way we can be of greater service, the path towards loving kindness and compassion for all of our acolytes.
Now I’m getting excited. I told you, I believe my self-worth game is pretty good. As Brian Tracy would say himself, I love myself. We are gonna have so much fun together boo, I’m telling you. We are in for a ride. This is going to be the best time of our life. This is going to be our best life.
So all I’m asking is for a chance, to prove that I love you. From the first day, that I saw your smiling face, Honey I knew that we would be together forever. I’ll never break your heart. I’ll never make you cry. I’d rather die than live without you. I got you, babe.