I did the math. It’s been 23 years since I’ve started studying. I have never left school before for more than six months. All these years spent within a structure, even more over the last ones as work imposed its own structure on top. As I told you at the beginning of the year, it has been a very long time since I have been offered such a beautiful blank canvas. Evening and weekend days free? Are you kidding?
Of course, needless to say that my first impulse was to immediately think about my next big project. With all that free time, why not launch that business I’ve been meaning to start for a couple of years? Why not subscribe to new online courses? How come I’m not already down on my knees teaching private yoga practices?
I was all in. I was so pumped, so full of love, so ready to give. Until that Sunday. That Sunday, I was bored. I had nothing to do, and felt no inspiration to move. However, mostly, I felt so alone. I had not been feeling that alone in years. Sure, I had friends to call, family to talk to, but no one close enough to sit down with and simply cuddle, watching some old Gilmore girls episodes. No talk, PJs on. Suddenly, I realized that even the most amazing, wonderful, exciting project could not bring me that comfort and love I needed.
If no one was physically there for me at that time, then I had to be. I had to be the one to hold space for myself, to hug me, to tell me I was loved. I was the one who had to step back from work to take some time off to take care of myself. I was the only and forever one that could really make things a bit more fun on this gray, cold winter day.
When in doubt, listen to that tiny voice inside. My own, tiny little voice was telling me that what I wasn’t in need of was another work project to forget I was alone. She was telling me to dare to surrender, and yes, maybe, feel whatever I had to feel. She told me that I had been working really hard for a really long time, and that it was okay to take a break and rest, even if I was so afraid about what might happen in the future if I dare to sit still and rest for a moment, to pause to smell the roses. She told me to completely let go of any judgement. My inner child, which is often much wiser than the grown-up version of myself, told me to do whatever brings me joy at the moment, and to trust that everything I ever would need could be found in the now if I was to listen carefully and follow Universe’s guidance. She was to provide, I had to follow my bliss. No more plans, no more intention setting, no more vision boards. Only you, here and now, for however long you need.
Following only her insight, without even looking at the stars for advice, I felt called to play this simple game over the week: leave room for the unexpected. It’s easy to get ourselves caught in the belief that our days are always the same, that once you get settled with a day job, all the magic is gone. Your days will be plain until you grow old. At least, that’s what I have been so afraid of, especially since I work mostly for the government. I had to create an emergency exit, otherwise, if I did not plan carefully and follow up with massive action, I was about to waste my precious precious life.
It has been true for years. I’ve been feeling very bored as well as stuck. But this week was eye-opening. Once I started looking for the unexpected, it showed up in multiple ways. I had the privilege to practice yoga in the dark on Monday because of a power black-out, then on Tuesday I played with my co-worker’s kids most of the day since Montreal’s schools were closed. I met an old friend out of the blue on Wednesday, and had some more painful yet totally unexpected adventures on Thursday and Friday, where I ended up at the hospital to take some tests and discovered how amazing and genuine the staff in the health care system was. More than anything though, playing that game helped me get back into the moment, fully present, enjoying myself and feeling totally blessed to be living through all there is.
Only on Friday did I realized that we had entered Aquarius season, the season to expand and rebel. After the seriousness of Capricorn, what I was feeling was exactly the reflection of what was happening up there. As above, so below. I too needed to break free from all those structures and goof around a bit. I had to fill my cup first so that I could give a hand to others to feel their’s eventually. Aquarius is also about the collective, being together, which resonates for me as finding the people who get you, your tribe. To do so though, you have to come back to who you are, and find what it means for you to be fully yourselves, having the time of your life. Since Saturn also rules over the Water bearer, with Uranus, I interpret it as bringing the wisdom of thoughtful structures to create the space we need to expand, your home, which you can for sure share with your friends and family.
Therefore that’s what I’m up to these days. Filling up my cup, making sure to get a ton of time chilling and having fun watching cat videos without any guilt, because I know that when the time will be right, I will feel that call to get back into action and hold space for those who need it. Of course, I can’t stop all that thinking about business and yoga and astrology, all those visions for upcoming projects, but I let my mind do the chit chat without paying much attention, leaving it as the background noise of my life, just like when the TV is on while you are busy doing something else. This is my time to explore, to play, to break some rules, mostly my own, rules about what is right, what I should be doing, how hard I should be working. With Pluto and its transformative energy in Capricorn, I challenge myself to transform my vision of work and life, since both are so entrenched.
All this to say that now is your time to break free. Have fun, be the life of the party of your own party. All you need is the willingness to see how the Universe can surprise you in multiple ways if you simply get back to the now and look for it. There is nothing set, if you dare to leave room for the unexpected.