***Be careful. Inspired by Mark Manson and his wonderful book « The subtle art of not giving a f*ck, I’m going crazy and enjoying the use of that beautiful f sounding word. If you are a sensitive person or under 18, this text is not for you. Your regular program will be back next week.***
Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time.
What if every time we made love, it was as if the first time? Remember how scary it was, to not know. To have no idea how things would unfold, where to put your hands, what sounds you were supposed to make.
I remember being frightened. Who wants to look like a fool in front of someone you love, or at least you appreciate or want to be admired by? I was so scared of what the guy might think about me there was no way I could even think about having fun. I wanted to please so much there was no way I could be in the moment. I was always thinking about the next step, how I would look if I was positioning myself this way, wondering if he was having a great time.
I thought it would get better over time. There would be less uncertainty, more confidence and self-esteem. And the more I would do it, the better at it I would become. I would eventually find that perfect formula that would take my partner straight to heaven every time. (Then I met my boyfriend and the rest is history, or another story.)
Imagine if that was the way. Imagine if we knew the beginning, the middle and the end of the story. Who’d want to make love anymore? It’d get really boring really fast.
That’s why so many guys want to fuck virgins. There is something really exciting about not knowing what to expect.
We should go in life the same way. Assume we are all virgins. Start understanding that we know nothing, about anything, even when we think we do. We should assume we are wrong, because really, we are. Now life is getting excited, don’t you think?
The more I learn, the more I understand that I don’t know anything, and the more I realize how wrong I was and still am.
Since as far as I can remember, I’ve always had this very strong core belief that I have to be perfect: I need to be certain, safe and secure, I must be right under every circumstance, I have to know the answer to every question. No room for mistakes. I want As, in the classroom, at work, on my yoga mat and in bed. It’s either I go all in and I do everything perfectly, or I just quit. There is no middle ground.
Which is totally stupid. If there is no middle ground there is no room for growth. I could I keep learning if all I do is the stuff I know so well I am sure I will not fail at?
That’s why I made a decision this week: I’d rather be no one, deceive people, fail and learn than to keep on pretending I am someone special, unique, who knows very well what to do, an expert on any matter.
I say it’s a decision but really it’s not. It was more something I was forced to acknowledge. Everything these days bring me back to this: I know nothing. My perceptions are not reality. My emotions are not the truth. My heart is not the greatest counsellor (I know, shocking).
I am screwed. At least that was what I thought first. I was so convinced like a week ago that if I kept on wondering about my life mission, I would eventually get out of the dark and be happy. So what if I can’t even listen to my heart? What if I don’t have a special mission, a one true purpose? What if we are all trying to pursue something that doesn’t exist?
Then we are all failing. Which is okay. And way more fun. The moment we accept that our life will be full of problems, that we know nothing and that when we pretend to we are wrong, that failure is the way forward, than the real fun starts. Try it, I swear. It’s liberating. Who do you want to be? That perfect plastic Barbie who gets fucked the same way every night in a perfect way without any pleasure or that wild unexpected girl who screams and enjoy every minute of it?
Don’t give a fuck about what others think about how you are fucking. Give yourself permission to make love the way you want. Give yourself permission to live your life the way you want it. Fuck your fears: fail forward.