Living in the gray

November 4, 2017
Living in the grey

There was this urge to go ahead and do it. So I did. I picked up my cards and started to shuffle them mindlessly. Just to get a sense of them. Let them take my energy without forcing it too much. I shuffled until I was satisfied, until they were full of me. There is this tipping point in Tarot where you just know. You are ready to see what’s going on, letting the spread unfold, ready to hear to what the Universe has to say to you through the symboles and imagery of the cards.

Without fear, but quite a bit of excitment, I placed the cards in their designated spot, creating slowly my Celtic cross.

And there you have it. The heart of the matter, Death. The opposing factors, the Tower.

Some people fear those cards. I don’t. Well, I try not to. Their message is very powerful. They convey that transformation strength, that need to let go, die, and be reborn.

Death is about transformation, one that can be positive if you let it be. The Tower is about letting go of old, fixed structures. It’s about shaking the foundations, forcing you to question what you thought was the truth. But as Brigitte from Biddy Tarot beautifully puts it, « with any destruction there comes creation. » The choice is now yours. All possibilities are open.

The timing couldn’t be any better to reqestion all inner and outer structures in my life. Scorpion season, also associated with death, is the perfect moment to see what I need to let go of and recenter on my truth.

However, without structures, there can be a great sense of loss and fear. What we used to rely on to bring comfort and security is gone. How can we navigate those in-betweens, the messiness of these middlegrounds?

“Each time you stay present with fear and uncertainty, you’re letting go of a habitual way of finding security and comfort.” – Pema Chodron

The only thing I can trust these days is this quiet and shy inner voice. To listen to it though I have to create space, to give it room to breathe and tell me what it has to say. With all structures gone, my inner voice can move around. The solid walls I had built throughout the years don’t confine me anymore, neither inside my head nor outside in the material world. There is space to move in and out of, room to experiment and test things out.

The labels are gone : I can’t identify with my profession, my role as a student or my marital status anymore. They are not longer part of my alignment, I can’t relate to them the way I used to. These roles don’t bring me comfort anymore. What I took for granted,  my relationship, my work, my identity, are falling apart. Those strongly-held beliefs vanished.

The space is mine now to enter and see what feels good. In that space, I can do whatever I want. Dance parties, baths, magic, love : I can create the life my wild soul craves right now. Like the Fool, I assume I know nothing, I don’t associate with the past anymore. I just immerse myself into the present and see what feels right.

I am living in the gray, and I have to say it’s not always the most comfortable place to be. It’s mandatory though. I simply couldn’t keep on sleepwalking, going day in day out on auto-pilot. To navigate these days, I need to be fully awake. Although not comforting, this state of being brings me a quality of presence I had never thought possible. It makes time expansive, and true love possible. It’s in this in-between that I find myself being the most free I’ve ever been. I am getting to a new understanding of what it means to Dare To Be Jolly, to choose happiness, to be courageous, and to live free. Freedom comes from this conscious choice we have to make to dare to feel joy, the most vulnerable emotion of all, and to be courageous enough to open our heart to it. No strings attached, no structures to rely on. Your true self fully exposed. Only pure love.



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