Love addict

April 20, 2018
Strong spine, open heart

What a Mercury Retrograde. From what I’ve seen and heard, I feel that one was quite intense for most of us. As the Messenger of the Gods stationed direct on Sunday, I started the week with a clearer mind but a still confused heart. This retrograde season is leaving me profoundly changed, its teachings still unfolding in the shadow of the red planet.

I am no astrologer, but my friend is, and she helps us understand better what Mercury Retrograde is all about. As the planet of communication, when Mercury goes retrograde, I often see it as a time to go inward, listen, and develop a deeper understanding of what is our truth.

As she also explains, where this retrograde is happening in your chart can indicate where its magic will come through. In my chart, Aries rules over the 6th House, the House of Servants. In a nutshell, this house is all about getting to work and finding our vocation. How can we be of service? How can we find fulfillment through a special gift we have to share with others? My answer to that one is obvious: I am here to share love and light.

Houses like to work in pairs, and the 6th is paired with the 12th, the mystical House of the Unconscious. This is the place where we return to ourselves, to quiet the mind, and deal with the heavy stuff like the psyche, hidden patterns and death. Navigating successfully this house implies spiritual fulfillment and a better understanding of the world through higher consciousness.

I was a sceptic at first, but the more I study astrology, the more I am amazed by how things we can’t explain just seem so right. As I stopped wondering about work so much, focusing on my deeper “vocation” and just relaxed into the day-to-day, life brought my way someone who triggered exactly that inner conflict between being of devotion, showing up in the world, and doing the inner work of integration.

In this very intense retrograde season, I met a force of nature. In a very short amount of time, I developed a strong bond with him. It was as if I was talking to the Queen’s mirror in Snow White : everything I said was reflected back to me exactly the way I wished it to be. It was basically like living in JT’s Man of the Woods, every song being sang to me from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. As if a cast had been spelled on me, I experienced a deep hypnotic state, and it felt so good to finally be able to relax and surrender at such a deep level. I had never felt that way so fast before.

Things were moving way too quickly. I guess people are right when they say I am keen. Blame it on the double Scorpio in me, I like the fire. But whenever you play with fire, you gotta be careful, because sooner or later, you will get burned.

I got burned, hard. As I was swimming in an ocean of pure bliss, I discovered something from this person’s past that made me question everything. The ground fell from beneath my feet. In that precise moment, I realized how my vanity, my desire to be seen, might have led me to believe words that were meant to manipulate me. I might have been only a puppet who’s strings were being pulled in a magnicient, delicate manner. The emotions were the same, but the mind was now wondering if his charming banter had only been a big, fat lie.

I usually follow with my heart, wherever she takes me. She’s the one guiding me through joyful times and upheavals, and I always rely on her. But what if I was wrong to move through life with so much trust?

This encounter challenged one of my core beliefs. Like Jean-Jacques Rouseau, I am convinced people are love and light, that everyone has a soul, that people are born good, and that they learn some twisted ways to fill their needs when they are not recognized as so.

When everything is good, when everyone around you is lovely, it’s easy to believe that yes, you are love and light, and that you can also offer that to those around you.

But what about mean people? What about people with antisocial behaviour? What about alcoholics, criminals, drug addicts? Do they also deserve to get your love and light?

I believe so, I can’t do any other way. How could I even think I am better than someone else? With one caveat though. Every soul deserves your love and light, but this soul has to show up to do the work. Mistakes happen, bad decisions can be taken : as you live you learn. Those are, most often, results of the mind taking over, an misleading ego. A heart can’t be anything but pure.

Everyone is born with a soul, that either expands or shrinks based on the choices you make. However, if you start wearing your heart on your sleeve, no matter who you are or what you’ve done, you deserve forgiveness, love and light as much as anyone else.

Now for those of us on the receiving end, the work is also tremendous. Can we let go of all prejudice to welcome a soul on his or her way back on the right path? If so, how can we get back to trusting again a soul that has been misguided by the mind once to not be misguided twice? Can we open our heart to such a challenging relationship?

Yes, we can. We can choose love over fear. We can do this work because we are all both made of dark and light. All we need is trust, but this time towards ourselves. Trust that we don’t need to put barriers between us and the rest of the world to feel protected. That we are strong enough to hold space without getting hurt.

This work is essential. What is on the other side of that frontier might be exactly what we need, that deep transformation and access to a higher consciousness as we step into the 12th House’s work. These encounters offer us opportunities to reflect our own shadow, and integrate that part of us we often reject because of we are afraid.

As we embody both the mountain and the ocean, the presence and the love, we might become the witness of the wonders of alchemy.

This week, I retracted. I used words as labels to build walls, to stay safe in my fortress, full of light and love, so high in the sky. I followed friends’ advice, knowning they had my best interest at heart, and chose safety over exploration.

Maybe it was right, maybe it was wrong. I’ll never know. For sure though, feeling as I am now, I still wonder. How can I prevent stepping away from such powerful experiences? I do not want to live my life up the hill in that princess castle. I choose not to be naive, but to live my life with an open heart and a strong spine. Call me a love addict.

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