When do you know the end is the end? Is closure really a thing in a relationship, or we just simply close the little door in our heart towards that person in a world where love is universal, where I feel so deeply moved by each of us and our touching attempts to make it through the day without being left out?
I guess sometimes you have to push it a bit. Force yourself to shut down and move forward. Because living in the gray is not an option when so much light is available.
It’s been a year and a half now that we’ve been going back and forth.
“you cannot/ walk in and out of me/ like a revolving door/ i have too many miracles/ happening inside me/ to be your convenient option”
– Rupi Kaur
I’m realizing now that no decision is still a decision. And I have to accept your choice.
The truth of the matter? I’m just plain tired of getting my hopes high when you tell me you want me, then crying as you realize I’m not the one you want me to be.
I’ll never be that person.
I’m trying hard not to make a big deal out of it. To get over myself and not be such a drama princess. To build as much stamina through my breath practice to handle this with calm and grace, like a queen.
I can’t lie : it ain’t easy.
I really did believe you were my person. Against all odds. No matter what others were telling me. No matter how much it hurt. How much I hurt you. How much you hurt me.
No one knows what happens behind closed doors. I can’t even remember myself, distinguish the truth in all our shared memories, can’t tell if we were happy or not. I’ve always tend to be the optimistic one in our couple, so maybe you’re right. Maybe I was the only one having fun.
So what are the next steps now? I thought you’d always be by my side to tell me, to show me the way.
I’m a bit lost, but I’ll be okay. I just got to figure out a few things before I go, but I swear, I will ASAP find how to break the soul contrat we had and set you free. You so deserve to be happy.
This is the end of an era, ours. This is my last love letter to you.