March 31, 2018

Oh, my beautiful. I’ve been resisting you. I know deep down that you are the one for me these days, but I keep pushing you aside. I don’t want to deal with you. You are so much to handle. Deep and dark on some evenings, lighten by the sun on others. You rule over the sea, my soul. Your waters are troublesome. I pretend to be all right throughout the day, but your messages keep me awake at night.

I can’t do it anymore, it has to stop. As you become full, I surrender. I am now yours.

I never thought I would get to that point. The Sun was my ally, the one I could always count on to bring me energy. I was born under his sight, he has always been watching over me.

I thought I could go on and keep on shining, but you knew better. You knew I’d come your way. So you waited.

You waited all these years, looking over me when the sun set down. I kept ignoring you, I had so much to do. Busy bee, flying from one flower to the other, sweetening people’s life with my honey.

Until winter came.

That winter, all the bees inside my heart died. It was too cold for them to survive. As I had to leave the sunny place, as so the plants. The shock dried their leaves, made them shrink. As so my heart.

No plants no flowers. No honey for a while. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but I was never a fan of artificial sweeteners. Time to discover new flavors.

Bitter. The toughts in my head.

Salty. The tears rolling down my cheeks.

Sour. This aftertaste in my mouth.

They leave me unsatiated. But only once you felt real hunger can you fully appreciate all life has to offer. The pit in my stomach hurts, yet I keep on digging it.

To feel you more. To learn to see you where you stand, in the blackest night. To discover that even when I thought I was alone, you were there all along. I can’t hide from you anymore.

This year is your year, my beautiful. 18 is your number. I’ve been running around, now is the time to rest. Except this is not rest at all. For the first time I am getting into your work. Allow and release. Unprogramming years and years of learning to perform and hustle; undoing. Following your dim, uncertain light, navigating through layers of consciousness to reach you. I am exhausted.

Be kind. Please. I am ready to commit, yet have already suffered enough. Let this be a gentle exploration. Let me see through the dark with a clear mind and a courageous heart. Let me move through blocks with grace and ease. Let me fall asleep and dream under your light.

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