New year, new me?

January 6, 2019
New year, new me?

I’m very eco-friendly. All about recycling. Carrying my pickle jar, five beets, three bananas and Coaticook ice cream without a bag the whole way home just to avoid the almost-mandatory-in-that-situation plastic bag (I mean, if I ever forget my reusable one at home, I’m not gonna make it more inconvenient on purpose. Come on, I’ve got plenty of other tips and tricks in my grocery bag to challenge myself on the daily). 

So why then when New Year hits us all with that drop ball should we throw 2018 baby Marianne out with the bathwater (or wash it down with some bubbles)? 

Can’t we find a way to recycle some of the old parts to build something a tad bit stronger, and if I dare say so myself, even more gorgeous?

This year, I’ll turn 30. I’m already preparing myself mentally, repeating the number, reflecting on what it means for me to be that old (or young, depending on if you want to see the cake half full or half empty of candles). 

It’s actually quite funny. I know I want a great hubby and some children, but it becomes clear to me the OG plan was not meant to be. Having kids at 23, when you are still one, was not one of my best ideas. Forcing myself to become pregnant before 30 neither. 

See, looking back at the past year, there’s no doubt in my mind that I had to figure out my life before giving a little person one.

I was carrying around, along with my pickles and beets, a stagnant depression as well as a constant form of angst.

I kept pushing it aside. I was too scared to stop and wonder what was that all about, because I didn’t have the confidence to know I could handle it. 

It was a major roadblock on my path to happiness and fulfillment. I did try to power through in my smart lil monkey way, but even the most brilliant mind can’t take you where you want to go if the subconscious limiting beliefs are constantly putting on the brakes.

2018 was a big one. A build-up from the 28 previous ones.

All I can say is I’m so happy now. I’ve travelled a lot. I’ve come a long way. In my little red riding hood basket (the one I should’ve had with me when buying my beets-bananas-ice cream feast), huge accomplishments. I’m proud of myself for those, for the humongous amount of work I’ve put in. The sweat (my sports bra can attest), pains and tears I’ve been through to get where I am today, sitting at my old aunt’s wood table, looking through MY apartment, the one I brought with MY money, the money I made with MY talent and skills, chillin’ on a Sunday morning. For those who know me, the chilling part is indeed probably the biggest achievement.  

I can’t say I’ve got it all figured out. Anyway, who knows, plus that would be very boring. But I know now I can shed the layers of past regrets, fears and doubts. I’m clearing my aura to create more space for something luminous. And first and foremost, I’m forgiving myself for all the trouble I caused because I was never taught otherwise. 

So no, no new me. I think I’m getting used to the old one. And even maybe, just maybe, loving it a bit more every year. 

See baby Marianne, I’ve been with you for too long to stop now. 

I’ve been loving you too long to stop now
You were tired and you want to be free
My love is growing stronger, as you become a habit to me “
Oh I’ve been loving you a little too long
I don’t want to stop now, oh
With you my life
Has been so wonderful
I can’t stop now ” – Otis Redding

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