Whenever I travel, I get sick. It doesn’t matter whether I’m in a car, a bus or even on a plane: as soon as I get on I feel dizzy and want to through up. Yummy, I know.
At first I thought it was purely physical, but the more I come to think about it, the more I believe there might be something else as well. I never got that as a kid, so what’s up with grown up Marianne? The difference lies in the ego. What comes up to me now is that there is a resistance to the movement part, a clinging to what is known, a desire to be in control. Walking or biking is fine, but as soon as I get on board with someone else in some sort of vehicule that moves forward without me acting on it I just can’t. I don’t want to. I prefer to stay close to what I know, completely in charge. I guess you can call it a trust issue.
My first impulse to fight this involuntary movement I have no control over is to reach for my phone and connect with people I love. There is this kind of need to reassure myself I am not alone, to recreate almost a feeling of being virtually at home. However, what I discovered is that this urge to come back to some sort of imaginary comfort zone, even though feels great in the beginning, only makes it worst. The more I look down to my smart-not-so-smart friend, the worst my travel sickness is.
To get over it, I need to do exactly the opposite, even if it feels counterintuitive. I need to look up. I have to surrender and accept that I am no longer in control. I am moving forward, whether I like it or not. The schedule, the people around me, the traffic: I can do nothing about it. All I have to do right here right now is to look through the window and enjoy the view.
Surprisingly, it works wonder. Once I let go, I find myself opening to all sensations in ways I have trouble finding in my daily life. I get into an open meditative state. All present. Fully alive in the apparent stillness of my body, although being moved by something bigger and stronger than myself.
These road trips show me the way.
The destination is always predefined and you know you gonna get there eventually. However, these days, I am discovering I’d rather not take the highway.
I don’t need to know exactly when I’m gonna reach my destination, and I for sure don’t want that boring straight line to get there. It’s so grey and boring. It all looks the same. Taking the highway finally made me understand that famous YOLO: you only live once. You only got this ride. It’s a one-way trip. Are you really gonna make it that boring?
I don’t want to play it safe anymore. I am ready for some bumps. If I know I’m gonna get there, I don’t need to know right away how. I’d rather take the less traveled path, the rocky road, to explore and live in the unknown. I know eventually I’ll find love along the way. I know I’ll be a mom, I know I’ll be an entrepreneur. I just don’t want to know how these things will happen. I don’t need to. I have faith. I know they will.
There is no need anymore to dive deeper and deeper within trying to find what I’m supposed to be doing with this life. The path is already shown. The only thing I have to do is allow the river to flow and let joy guide me through the journey. As Joseph Campbell says, follow your bliss.
” if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living.” – Joseph Campbell
With that inner sense of knowing, I can now look up and find the signs on the outside that match those insights. Just like the little rocks of Hop o’ My Thumb, they will guide me there, which is indeed back home. A new home though, my inner being home. which isn’t housed at the same address as my ego home. My inner being home is open, infinite, expanding. It is not a place to hide, it is a place to share: meals, laughters, friendships and love. It’s a space to learn, play and grow.
By the way, if you happen to pass by, you are always welcome in my home. In fact, it’s already yours. To get there, adjust your inner compass as Martha Beck says, and follow your North Star. It will always guide you om.