I thought it was a wave. A big wave indeed, but still a wave.
I was wrong. Or maybe I was right, but the wave caught me. I am now swallowed in the sea.
They say when you are drowning you fight hard at the beginning, until your lungs fill up with water and you surrender. I feel like I am drowning. My sharp mental is going down the drain. I can’t think anymore. I can’t plan. No more cute Moleskine journalling, no more weekly schedule.
Moving from one moment to the other suits me for now. Actually, I kind of like it. If it wouldn’t have been from the separation, I would never had experience such a complete surrender. I would never had even imagine how much I was able to let go. When you think you cannot let go anymore, I bet you there is still room to surrender more.
I know fear, ego, the part of me that is in need of reassurance, protection and safety, is still in here somewhere, in the back of my consciousness. I just cannot allow myself to listen to it now. If I do, I’m done. I am back to the most basic things: eat, pray, love. There is no more room for work, creative projects, things that are not deeply anchored into my inner experience. I go in one day at a time, forced to trust the guidance of my heart, relying on my survival instincts to guide me to what’s right and what’s wrong, following my gut to take care of myself properly and with some love whenever possible.
Maybe you feel it too. This New Moon in Libra is all about shaking our foundations. We have to go through these phases from time to time I guess. From what I am discovering, there is no better way to get clarity. Are you truly living by your values? Are you heading in a direction that means something to you, living your way? How can you know if the choices you made one, three, five years ago still work for you? If you never dare to change course, you never know. You keep assuming that this is the way, without necessarily doing the essential purging and pruning in your life. We forget that the most risky thing we can do is to live your life on this auto-pilot. It takes so much courage to revisit your choices and act upon your insights.
I worked so hard. I thought I was finally getting clear on what I wanted to do, on my future path. With my brain out of the way, I can see how I missed the point. I understand better than ever this thing we talk about when we say to live in the present moment, because there is no other moment. I can also feel now how much more powerful and complete I can become if I let myself be. These days, everything is amplified. The voice is strong now. It’s clear and beautiful, and it’s offering me a completely new perspective on life. What a gift. Things are getting more simple, I just have to listen. After years and years of pushing, working, hustling, I get to cruise.
No. That’s not right. I am not cruising. I can now let the boat I thought was my life sink, deeper and deeper, into the ocean, swallowed in the sea. I am not afraid of the deep and dark anymore. It’s so quiet in here. In the deep ocean, you can’t hear much, but if you dare to open your eyes, you can see clearly. You can see the light up there. You can relax for a while, and then swim back towards that blue sky. Because I am not the one drowning, my ego is. I am breathing underwater.