I can’t put a date on it. Can’t remember exactly when. Maybe it was at dinner one night, when my parents were talking again about the factory where my dad was working closing.
The conversation had been going on for years at this point. I can’t say why on that particular evening I would’ve reacted differently. I just know at some point, around 11, the split happened. That moment when I felt my parents were not fully equipped to take care of all my needs. It hit me as strong as a stroke.
In a flash, a space was created between my inner self, and what I was to show the world. An outside character, cute and funny, and the little girl hiding inside I needed to take care of myself.
That’s when all trouble began.
Slowly, the hidden girl took control of the real girl. She liked to play this sneaky game of getting around to obtain what she wanted. Finding ways to maneuver and follow the hidden agenda.
The program was simple : she had to be the one in control, to always get what she wanted. Things were to go her way, and people were to obey. Using the power of the mind, underneath that sweet looking girl, she became that manipulative obnoxious person.
She never realized the joke was on her. Imprisoned in her own mind, she became so far removed from reality her whole life became conflicted. The better she got at the game, the further away she moved from what the real girl was looking for in the first place: security and love.
The girl grew up, became a twenty-something year-old woman with a boyfriend, a career, a condo and two furry cats. The shell looked great on the outside. But the hidden girl remained. Always 11. Little and stupid, because of her inability to relate with the gravitas, the reality.
It went on and on. The boyfriend left, tired of these fake interactions and controlling relationship. More work projects came along, making the hidden girl feel proud and successful on the outside, very much in control, yet never filling the void in the real girl’s heart.
That real girl, the underdog who kept trying to figure out a way to feel better, never gave up. Through trials and errors, she fought the hidden girl, seeking the truth. And did a lot of Kundalini too, until that one day, arms up, chants strong, in a 20-minute style meditation, they became one again.
All layers and masks gone. The result of a long journey to realize there was never anything to hide in the beginning. No need to keep from the world this desire to feel secured and be loved.
The hidden girl thought the only way to provide the real girl what she craved was to create complex intrigues where she was to extricate God knows what from others to serve her needy self. Stuck in self-doubt, she never believed she deserved what the real girl asked for.
It became a vicious circle. Part of it was true. The hidden girl is def more mean girl than sweet angel. She was honestly trying to serve the real me with her lies, but every time I was to listen to her, I was acting mean as well. I wasn’t showing up as a good person, which added layers of shame to my already shaky sense of self-worth.
That split in my personality kept me away from my life for years. It took quite a while to realize that underneath all the shame and secrecy, there was a solid foundation of light and love.
How funny now to realize how simple it is once you directly face reality. No more tricky mind games. Just you and whatever you’re in front of. Life becomes thrilling, as you get to connect with the energy of the true nature of things. Fully present to interact and connect with what is.
From now on, no more lies. Pinky swear.