It cost me a little under 2K to realize that the dream I’ve been holding on to for years at this point might actually be more of a nightmare. As glamorized as it is these days, I don’t want to run a business.
Thank you, anxiety. All my savings had to go to buying this quite cool online course before I could realize that this fantasy of mine is really just that: a fantasy. I have in reality no desire to do the thing itself. I do want a creative outlet, but I don’t want to do market research. I want to express myself, I don’t want to get stuck answering people’s needs. Simply not my way of being of service.
By this point I’m getting to know you enough to see a recurring pattern. It usually happens on a Thursday afternoon. After almost a week in the beige semi-walls of my cubicle, I become antsy. It’s almost always around 3pm. I know something’s going wrong as I’m grabbing my purse and taking out my credit card.
It’s not that my job sucks or anything. I just get the public official blues from time to time. You see the same people day after day, similar projects one after the other. So you start daydreaming. A few looks at Instagram and Facebook will add to the FOMO. Life is out there, everyone is having the best time ever, what are you doing with your life? What have you accomplished so far?
Comparison, the thief of all joy, rises, to the point where it grows into unbearable restlessness. Some grab the Doritos bag or order shit on Amazon to fill the void: I complete application forms to university programs or buy 2K online programs.
I can’t resist the urge yet, although I’m more conscious of it. Like any addict, I’ve learned to delay the much looked after relief that comes with surrendering to the compulsive behavior.
I also understand better where this sense of urgency comes from. As all forms of anxiety, it comes from the holding-on-for-dear-life to a certain belief.
In my case, it’s the idea that there is a life path we should be following, a specific dharma we have to accomplish. That whatever I’m doing is def not enough. That I should be doing more. To live more. To be more.
I’ve been conducting over the last few days a homemade survey. I’ve sent it to my friends and family, and their feedback is quite interesting. I get to see through their eyes how they perceive me. What comes up every time is that they perceive this anxiety in me. That even though I’ve got plenty of qualities, there is still this sadness and sense of incompletion that is palpable.
I’m feeling it too, therefore all the projects, programs, courses I want to pursue. Except they will never fill the void. I need to get full first myself, before believing I can pour whatever energy I got into any other project I want to accomplish.
The hardest part about it is that in order to do so, I need to let go. I need to completely renounce any mind-driven willpower to the Universe and trust that whatever’s in front of me right here, right now, is exactly what I need to be focusing on. Having faith that I’m at the right place at the right time, that my work is to pour all my creative energy into what’s ahead, not looking back, sideways or up over there to see if there is something else I should be doing to get closer to my true life purpose. As if this is my path, as if there is no other way for me, as if I’m already divine.
It’s not an easy task. My pitta self, this strong ego of mine always striving to be the best , highest, strongest version of myself, looks around, wants to get ahead and do more.
I’m just realizing that what I thought would bring me success is the very same thing that is holding me back. Moving too fast in all directions in a frantic manner is diffusing the energy I need to be laser focusing down one road if I ever want to get somewhere.
I actually don’t even need to move. When I learn to calm down this anguish beast and sit still is when I’ll shift into my most attractive self. So magnetic things will come my way without me having to get out there and chase after them. As I’ll build my character, I’ll become that island people lost in the sea will sail towards, that radiant lighthouse shining bright to guide others.
Don’t worry. I’ve asked for a refund. So that again next Thursday I can splurge on some new course to push through the project I swear will help me morph into that person I aspire to embody, that representation of success I’ve imprinted in my mind.
It’s okay. After years of dreaming about the next big thing, at least I’ve started taking action, aka spending all my money on random programs. As Guru Jagat says, you can never think your way out of a problem. What you need is energy. These days, I have plenty of that. On my way towards enlightment, I stubble and I fall, I make lots of mistakes, but I’m bringing in some velocity. I run down the wrong paths, find myself in dead ends, but I keep on moving.
Well, I thought I was getting lost, until I realized that there was never a defined route ahead. I’m creating the track one step at a time. Guided by my inner compass, heading towards my North Star, I’m learning to rely less on a map someone else draw, even when the sky gets clouded by anxiety, even when I lose sight of my precious heavenly body.
Because the map is never the territory, and I want to get out in the field. I know the sun is always shining over the fog, and I want the light stroking every inch of my skin, warming my every cell.
A least now I’m out there. Doing the thing, 1-2K at a time. Living the dream that reality is when you stop existing only within your own delusional creation, a world of mirages, and start relating to what is.
Reality is the dream once you embrace it. Yes, even that plain office on a Thursday afternoon. No need for FOMO. You’re already the most exquisite fantasy. Your life is already wonderful. This human experience is yours, the thing itself as divine as can be.