December 10, 2017

I found him on POF years ago. It was the beginning of summer, I was done with dating students and guys met in bars. My co-workers had all find their boyfriend online, so why not?

My first two dates were awful. After a week, I was ready to quit. There was only one date left I had committed to. It was him.

Right away, I just knew. He filled a hole I wasn’t even aware of. I was already whole, but together we were even wholier, if there can be such a thing.

It wasn’t a question whether I liked him or not. I never thought about the possibility that there might be someone else I had more to share with. I did not care what he did, what he was interested in. These days I realize I had nothing to tell him, yet I just wanted to know everything about him. I wanted him to keep talking even though I didn’t care at all about what he says. No, that’s not true, I did care. I cared because it was happening to him, therefore I wanted to know. There was nothing that was supposed to bring the two of us together, yet there was everything. He was my everything.

Now he’s gone and I swipe. I swipe left, I swipe right, and I have no idea what to look for. Should I look for someone with interests similar to mine, or someone that would bring me a completely new perspective on life? Should I look for someone stable and solid with whom I could possibility start a family, or for some kind of adventure with someone not ready to settle? Should I look for someone I think might be my type, or stay open to trying something new? Hell, I don’t even know what is my type, or if there is even such a thing.

So I swipe left, and I swipe right, and I still wonder what I am supposed to care about. My mind gets in the way, and since I can only decide based on the limited amount of information available on that 4 by 2 inches device I can hold in the palm of my hand, I judge. I judge based on the pictures, I judge based on the writing. From the hat you wear to the kind of place you went, I judge.

It doesn’t work. It doesn’t because I am trying to follow both my head and my heart. I swipe right when I am rational and believe you have great potential as a future husband, and I swipe right again when my heart warms up as I see your sweet smile and imagine both of us on a beach somewhere in Maui.

But those are just stories. Stories I create in my mind based on a few pictures and a couple of sentences. My heart needs more than that to know. It needs that physical connection, and then it knows right away.

Could there be something else than that strong connection I felt when I fell in love? Up to now, my heart always won. I just have trouble believing I could live without being in alignment. But what if there was more to a strong marriage than that emotional bond?

Which makes me realize how complicated relationships can be these days. We are putting more pressure than ever on that one special person, who needs to be that everything : a provider, a sports buddy, a best friend, a passionate lover, a confident, a caring dad.

I don’t know if it’s possible to find all that within one single human being. I feel it’s putting way too much pressure on one relationship. I hope it’s possible, but I believe it might be more realistic to start making some choices. Either marry your best friend, have some trouble with your passionate lover or choose a reliable daddy for your kids.

I don’t know yet what I’ll pick as my priority for my next relationship, but I have this strong feeling that even though my head would love to win that battle, my heart will once again lead the way.

Because if you are looking to evolve and grow, feeling more alive, it has nothing to do with what you think. Don’t let your ego get in the way. Drop the judgement and open your mind, your heart. It might not lead to a strong marriage based on shared interests and stability, but it will bring you the richness of a unique human connection.

Stop swiping from left to right with your mind, and trust that when the time will be right, your heart will recognize the divine within him, which is the same as the one within you. Nasmasate.

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