I feel a little alone tonight. In the cold winter night, I am sitting in silence. In 28 years in this present life, it’s my first winter by myself. No one to cuddle with, no one to share about the day. It feels a little lonely, needless to say.
It wasn’t that bad in the summer time. Daylight was lingering into the night, and Tinder was still full of promises about exciting adventures and new loves to come. In the cold winter night, it ain’t that fun anymore. Covered by layers and layers of clothes, my heart seems unattainable. My heavy coat and thick scarf are preventing me from feeling that deep connection, that sense of Oneness, I usually share with nature and animals. The long walks in the snow under the moon are one more place when I get cut from the world. With my Beat headphones on, I move into a cosmic space, I travelled across the world, from one podcaster’s space to another. Yet, as I come back to an empty home, I can’t help but feeling even more separated from whatever is going on.
This missing link between me and world is getting me into frantic mode. I feel this urge to move, push, jump into the next project, on for the next big adventure. I need something new, I need something big, to escape that sense of loneliness within. Pretty much anything could do it at that point. Changing jobs? I’m in. Moving? Also ready. Messing around with some dudes? I am almost there. After a month without external constraints or challenges, I am done resting. I need my load of suffering.
Except the Universe won’t let me escape that way. Remember, it’s the High Priestess year. As a powerful, feminine and intuitive energy reminds us that we are whole, that everything is integrated within us. Like two big arms hugging us, we can’t escape somewhere else. Everything we are, everything we need is already there, within arms reach.
It’s as if we were swimming in a big pool, or even the ocean. There is no where else to swim to, we can go anywhere from there. We already have access to it all. But we can’t go against the tide. We have to learn to follow the ebb and flow of the ocean, and surf the wave if we feel like making it a bit more fun and challenging.
My ocean right now is covered by ice. I just can’t move that much, with all that snow limiting my moves and my ability to let my heart shine. Just like a kid who gets a day off because of a snow storm, I have to deal with it and find ways to make it fun. Just like a kid on that same day, I’m all excited at first, then I get bored, then I find something to do, then I get bored again. However, just like that kid, I also know that it won’t take long before the snow gets shuffled so that I can play again with my friends.
Even on that cold winter day, when you feel a little lonely, you can be sure that somewhere, someone is thinking about you too. That your friends are eager to see you again. And you can be sure that the power of that deep connection, of that strong bond we call love, will make the snow melt away faster, so to welcome spring into our hearts.